you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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