Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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