this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
