Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude i'm inner monologue high
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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