Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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