I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
