How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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