We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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