Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
