walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
