Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
