We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
