i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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