my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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