if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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