Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
