just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
