I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
