sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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