just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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