Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
