My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
