he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
