The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
