how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
