Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dear god my vagina.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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