Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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