We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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