Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
