; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
