you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
