Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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