I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
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Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
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Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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