Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
