I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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