when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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