Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
