And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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