you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
