Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
