Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
