he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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