I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
