apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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