Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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