If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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