My underwear smells like fireworks.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
