please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
