i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
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I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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