How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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