my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
