watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
