I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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