ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
