at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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