I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
