Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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