just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
