im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
as a side note pls kill me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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