You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
